Improve Communication with Your Partner Today
Suraji Wagage, PhD, JD
Why is it Hard to Communicate Effectively with our Partners?
Couples often have difficulty communicating — in fact, having difficulty at times is the norm. Communication often breaks down because of our interpretations: we are constantly interpreting everything we perceive, and communications with our partners are particularly ripe for (mis)interpretation.
Keep in mind that when your partner says “Can you wash the dishes?” you are not just interpreting these words, you are interpreting tone and volume of voice, body language and posture, and facial expression, and combining all this input with all your memories related to this moment and your own thoughts (“He’s always asking me to do the dishes! He thinks I never do anything around here!”) and emotions (annoyance, frustration).
We put all of this together and come up with what we believe to be the meaning of this communication, which we respond to. To make matters worse, we generally do not recognize that we are interpreting a communication and instead believe we are simply perceiving it accurately. We communicate with our partners more than perhaps anyone else, often about emotional topics, and we have a history with them involving prior disagreements about similar topics. Is it any surprise that, given all this, couples may have difficulty communicating?
How Can We Improve Communication?
Begin to recognize interpretations. This sounds simple, but it is deceptively difficult because interpreting and categorizing is so deeply ingrained in us. Try noticing your thoughts as thoughts throughout the day and separating factual observations from judgments or interpretations (e.g.: “my coworker is five minutes late to this meeting” — observation, vs. “my coworker doesn’t care about this job” — interpretation).
Learn to listen and reflect back. Try this skill with your partner if you are at a conversational impasse: repeat back what you heard your partner say to you until they agree that you repeated it accurately, then switch roles. Again, this sounds simple, but when asked to complete this task, couples tend to respond with their interpretations of what their partner said rather than what their partner said (e.g., “He’s saying I never do chores around the house” vs. “He’s asking me to wash the dishes”).
Repeat. Continue to use these skills in conversation with your partner — recognizing your own interpretations and separating them from observations, and reflecting back exactly what you heard your partner say.
Notice interpretations disguised as facts or partial interpretations. Recognize that things that you consider facts may actually be partly interpretations, such as what you think about your partner’s tone of voice and facial expression.
Acknowledge that there is more than one possible interpretation. When we think something is a fact, we don’t question it. An interpretation, on the other hand, is one possible way of seeing the situation among many possibilities. What are some other possibilities that are being excluded by your interpretation?
Ask questions. One common mistake that people make when working on communication is assuming that they understand what their partner is saying or what their partner wants. For example, many people jump into “problem-solving mode” when their partner just wants to vent and be validated for their emotions. You can ask your partner what they want in these situations.